Posts (page 2)

I woke up 10: 30 am.

I was really tired and I intentionally didn't follow my study schedule that should have started around 8 am. I breezed through studying Calculus which is really weird.. but thankfully I learned some new concepts just in case it might come out. It is so far so good in Calculus, not so high test scores but not so bad either. In general, my grades are soaring in a sense that the recent is higher than the previous one. Which is good.. finally! IMPROVEMENTS! Yay!

Oh finally I'm looking at things with a more optimistic point of view!

My brother has Math training in CSA tomorrow and I decided to tag along for 3 reasons. One, to play the big sister role. Two, to get the school vibe and study for preliminexes. Three, to visit my most loved Alma Mater!!! I'm a tad bit excited that I already have my wardrobe planned haha! I am actually hoping I'd be available on Alumni day this August. I am, after all, already an Alumna--- still surreal to have that status in my highschool!

As for preliminexes this coming week, I'm mentally ready but not academically. haha! The summer bug clings on to me like a tick in blood-heaven! Can he not?! I don't expect myself to fail in the preliminexes for one solid reason, I JUST WON'T! I know I'm human, but have you heard of "Think positive and the universe will allow good things to flow to you".. well now you've read it! Think positive earthling!

In the cautionary department where expectations can result to heartbreak, I'm actually not expecting anything. Chaos if it is, Silence if it is. Though last night I was thinking of moving and going--- you know what I mean! But I thought, it doesn't make any difference if I do. Silence is golden in my side of pride. Pride-schmide, why are my cautionary-department-tanks full of it? ^^

**sadly, vox doesn't have smilies! I was so game to put one after that rhetorical question! Yes, it was rhetorical so don't give me an answer haha! ..keep the answer to yourself ok? :)**

It's the third-party's birthday today! (She's Sarah **She looks like Sarah!**, I'm Bea **I just like to be Bea Alonzo haha**. And whoever is John Lloyd. GET IT?!) YAY! Happy Birthday Dear-S!!

Cousin dearest

OH LOOK WHO'S TALKING ABOUT SPEAKING TO A M?!!!!

I SUPER MISS HER! I LOVE YOU S!! And I hope I could teach you the "Bleeding Love" dance routine CHYEAH!

OH LOOK WHO'S DANCING NOW?! HAHA!

Anyway, Anticipation kills the beauty of the moment haha!
So the things that I wrote here, I didn't see it coming, but I knew it was just not NOW :)
My ultimate advice for S now that she's a year older, learn not to expect and realize that you already possess what you want you just have to need it. :)

I sounded so bitter on my last entry. Talking and reading about eewey stuff is plain boring, comparable to how much summer can be boring without class and cramming--- nyuh, and I ENJOY THAT?!

(Maybe) It was two nights ago when I asked 20 people this question,
"What does the world lack, that each individual posses?"
I wanted to hear answers outside of my box I call perspective, and I actually did. I asked this for the purpose of creating an abstract picture for a project I am much excited about, but it was hard to build it (the picture).

I ask this question to you now.

There is this fact that an individual is a part of a whole, the success of one may bring the whole group to its own success. But the concept of teamwork seems to undermine the prior stated belief. Teamwork states that, the success of one doesn't determine the success of the whole, each person must donate his/her success and effort for the group to succeed. So dear, no matter how much tranquility you have within yourself--- there will still be war in Iraq. In the view of an artist, that is not the case. If you are at peace you can influence and teach other people to be at peace with themselves. Even though your inner peace doesn't stop the war in Iraq, it can turn wounds into scars and turn scars into blessings.

Billions of people may have peace and tranquility in themselves, but the world barely has it.

Beauty isn't what you see when you look in the mirror, it is what you see with your heart when you look at somebody else. But sometimes no matter how much pardon is granted and how much botox people get there's this dire reality that beauty is hard to see these days. Or maybe because beauty doesn't have a universal definition, and people refuse to follow its denotative meaning. Beauty pageants suggest that its ultimate definition is what is in and out. People say, beauty is balance and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I say, beauty is the partner of the Beast. No kidding! Beauty comes with its flaw that makes it more beautiful. People tend to magnify that certain flaw but ignoring and abusing its beauty.

Human Beings are beautiful, but the world have lost its own magnificence.

In Philosophy 5, goodness is described as a state rather than with boundaries. It depends on who looks an act of goodness and how he/she looks at it. I cannot argue with that reality, obviously. And and and... when I ask a person to describe another it will start with "mabait..." or "mayabang pero mabait". Goodness is there, like Christmas.. just around the corner haha! But somehow, a sad fact is we chose to whom we will show an act of goodness to. Goodness is not entirely.. and even barely a universal act.

Goodness what does it take for you to come out of that corner?

I love you. You love me. We all love each other. Do (not don't) we all? Another newly realized fact is that nothing in this world has a universal definition.. even love. Maybe humans experience too much that they want to make their own denotative meaning. What is Love? Love is God. But God is the Who, What, Where, When of everything surrounded with faith. At some days we choose rain to dominate us and wash our faith out. Wash love and God out. In war, some see God in the battlefield, but the majority see loss and evil. In famine, some see God in hunger, but the majority see a lacking. In death, some see God in grievance, but some see pain. In a failed test score, some see God in a space for improvement but some, see sh*t. Love is all about perception, optimism, faith and meaning. Things only some of us share.

Love. The simplest yet most fundamental building block of everything is yet to stand still, what more the whole foundation?

We all don't have the same outlook in life, but at least lets try to understand other people's so we could sympathize. In my opinion, Understanding is the most commonly used tool for filling up the lack, with it comes love, goodness, beauty, peace and many other miracles.

Another five hour long break!
Yesterday, we had a four hour break.
Tomorrow, a three hour break.
Gah!!

And what do we get from these long spent idleness? Trips to the pool (billards) place, less saved allowance, a lot of walking around the campus (and outside), some much wanted review on weakened subjects AND most of time, finding something to preoccupy ourselves. The long breaks aren't bad, they are actually normally productive ones. Lucky, the people who live in dormitories are, they could just go to their dormitories an and sleep. Meanwhile I--Paranaque girl, Jo--Madaluyong girl and Ian--Fairview boy, exert so much brain energy in constantly blurting out jokes, but it was great, at least we learned something more that what not to dream about during sleep!

Currently, I'm watching "So you think you can dance?" videos. I shared one. It's really fun to watch. So go watch it! ^^
Will blog later :)

[2:33 pm]

Angel

I'm not really annoyed with the fact that I failed another quiz in statistics. At least I got a higher score than the last one, and my total score is still above passing. --- I just wanted to say that.

Anyway, I've been reflecting a lot about all the failure I've experienced in the course of two months, not only in exams but also in life itself. Thinking of it makes me haggard, sober and it sucks all my life force out. I'm tired of it to a point that thinking about the success it couldn't bring me back to life. Sometimes, I come to a point that I try to find some other cause of failure. I can only blame effort sometimes, there are some other things that tend to be overlooked.

Sometimes I begin to think about pathetic reasons like the chair was too low and uncomfortable, my shoes are uncomfortable, I didn't hold my hair up in to a pony which made my score worse.. those radical things which have no relation whatsoever to getting a high score.

I have a friend/classmate who makes getting perfect scores look easy. She doesn't look geeky, she isn't geeky, she does other things aside from studying and she is in fact a highly sociable person. I can't recall a time she flunked, and barely does she make mistakes on an exam (lahat perfect-- not an overstatement). I never knew somebody like her existed. Nobody in our college can match up to her. She's really somebody to be proud of because her scores really come from hard work and persistence. In spite of her achievements, she doesn't brag *clap clap*. Till now I wonder if I could ever reach at most one step near her level.

If I could just be as dedicated as this person when it comes to aiming for a bigger goal than merely graduating...

I know I'm smart, hard-headed, hard working, careless, dedicated, inconsistent, responsible, somewhat undisciplined, fearless and cautious. I'M MY BIGGEST IRONY! It's just really up to me whether which attitude I'd like to take over on a situation. If you are a consistent reader you are aware of how much I recognize myself as a human being. If you just happen to pass by, well I do value my human flaws and realize that I do make mistakes. But making too many mistakes is just really sad, especially the making the stupid ones.

I begin to think that all this failure is happening now so that when the big thing comes I'll know what to do and what NOT to do. And maybe if I do continue seeing these mistakes as a constructive attribute of life, I may actually score big time on that big thing. I really do hope all this positive thinking is helping. haha!

Life can be a bitch, that's why the Almighty gave us the strength to be smarter than that bitch-trick.

We're all smart people, we just lack self-assurance to act that we are. :)

Allow me to blog about something shallow.

Today, I was surprised to find out that my name was under the list of people who didn't post a reply in a discussion board at an online Blackboard Academic Suite (Hey, I wasn't the only one who reacted). Upon knowing that, I went all defensive because I am so sure that I posted a reply last July 14/17! My schedule is all packed up so I make sure I follow everything in it including doing all needed online activity. And I.... Not being able to do such a simple task would be an unacceptable thing! I mean yes I am only human.. but in spite the busy schedule I know my responsibilities very well. I remember that when I posted something there the column showed "1" under the Total Participants column and when I clicked submit it showed a notification. Although when I checked the only content I saw what was there prior me posting my reply. I thought it was really like that, well I still don't if it is really like that. But the fact is I did post a reply, and it's hard to get the "news flash" (that I didn't post any reply) off my system.

What is hardest to accept is that I may have clicked another button aside from submit (that led to other things) or e-leap (with all that reformating) accidentally erased what I posted. Okay. IFF my post is nowhere to be found I'd lose 20 points. The highest I can get in Philosophy 5 is 95/115 minus 6... 89/115. If I were a tad bit more careful and cautious it would've been 109/115. BIG DIFFERENCE!

Right now, I'm posting a reply on the LTS discussion board. When I was typing the title of my thread it showed "Re; Climate Change". And and when I clicked the number under the "Unread Posts" of course my reply isn't there because I've read mine. GAH! Why am I obsessing over trying to prove whether I posted or not, when I am so sure that I did.

Judge me. Judge.

Yes. I am grade conscious, but what I am most conscious about is not being able to do my job. Needless to say, a situation where in it shows that I didn't do something that I actually did accomplish. Doing what I NEED to do is the most important thing, and I know that I walk my talk because otherwise I would be a paralytic to not put in to action whatever I believe in.

I'm really in a fused state... I don't know whether I should feel stupid or let it off. Honestly, it might be a helpless situation because I really don't know what happened to that post, or what happened during the process of posting it. If I knew what happened I could be doing something to save those twenty points.

I hope I could be given the half of the points for the benefit of the doubt. (oh please!)

Having experienced such is gearing me up right now. Twenty points is such a huge loss, whether I lose it or not, I must still get back on the mistakes I've made. The simplest thought of losing approx. 17% of the whole grade is freaking me out! >< It's a bitter feeling! A similar feeling as when I lost 12 points (due to not following directions) in a Linear Algebra Preliminary Exam last semester. Similarly, I could've gotten a perfect score, but NOOOO I had to be ignorant for 5 seconds.

Life can really be a bitch.
---Coming from a human.

Reader, there will be more days like this. I hope you had a blast reading through this transparent entry. But then "what defines us is how we rise after falling." Think about that. I'll start to digest that too.

        In an activity in Public Speaking class, we were tasked to talk about somebody we admire in our block. I was holding back my tears when I was introducing Jo (The Philippines' next top model! HAHAHAHA! Nadale mo E-yan!), it wasn't apparent though since every time I was about to cry my voice softens rather than trembles (which was the most common indication). But really! My heart was pounding and words seemed to just spill out of it. Though my singaw grew worse today, the pain faded through the seconds that I was talking about her. The highlight of my speech would be, "If I were in a field game and all my friends are on the bleachers cheering for me, she would be one of the few who would come down the bleachers, join me on the field, and help me win the game." I didn't even think of that metaphor, it just flew right out when I was writing my proposal on the one fourth sheet of paper to be submitted at the same period. To the person who is reading this, I must tell you, if you want to speak effortlessly about something, speak with your heart. It will let people hear kind and honest words, rather than preprocessed and safe ones. If you really care about your friends and your family you will tell them with your heart, if you really treasure your relationship with the Lord you will pray using your heart. It's a really different feeling when I talk about somebody dear to me. Telling them how important they are to me seemed so easy, but telling everybody else why somebody is important to you, with all sincerity, was a different and a more emotional task...you'll never know where to start, which words to say next, and when it would be the best to end it. I closed my speech with, "Without further ado, though I would like to tell you more about how awesome this person is, I would like to introduce you to a true friend, a genuine person, Miss Joanna Balalitan." Still psyched with the feeling of being sincere, I still could remember everything that I said haha! Thank you so much Dotdot, I'm so proud of yoooooooooouuuuuuuu!!!! :x

        On the other hand, I'm greatly moved by my friends who chose me, it was really overwhelming and I never really anticipated that (except for Jo of course, who told me beforehand. Gah. Spoiler. haha!). What they said all affected me to a degree that I'm convinced that I just wanted to be who I am-- Not Bea Alonzo HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Biruin mo nga naman!) I was kind of shy to digest what they were saying, they are in fact some of the people I really admire in our class because they are the optimistic (something I'm still trying hard to learn to be hehe) and lovable (Love, so complicated) ones! To realize what they wanted to express about me made me feel like a pervee, it's like Manny Pacquiao telling Barrera "Yoo ar a strong pyter!". Sorry, overly-sentimental haha! AND AND AND! Some of the things that they said are still fresh in my memory. To hear people talk about you in front of many people is more controversial than hearing gossip. Indeed, it is more heartfelt and once again (about to say an over used word..) overwhelming. I treasure the things they said because in some way or another it is a sign of trust. And aside from time and silence, trust is also gold. Thank you my dearests, you've done a great deal of 'optimizing'. You gave me more motivation to walk the road I'm taking, inspired me to strengthen my faith on many things and people including you!

       To the people who took the time to read this blog, I'm grateful for the time you've given in browsing through this dramatic entry. THANK YOU ARANETA *sniff sniff* hahahahahahhahaha! (Hey, it's not everyday that I'm like this.) If you may, take a few secs to text/IM/P2P the people you admire/treasure, that simple act can make them feel more human--- feel more important.

Coming home tired, I just had to blog. I treat this one as a warm up for yet another programming episode. I clicked the "Answer the Question of the day" link (which vox has! YEY!) and today's question is:

What part of your childhood do you miss the most?
Submitted by Maretta.

    Wow, what a brain cell blowing question. It is actually forcing me to tell you of a long gone past, a stage I'm over with, a place in time that would kill my guts when reminded of but somehow it isn't too bad. I wouldn't be too ashamed of this childhood memory IFF Haley of Paramore or the vocalist of Flyleaf went through the same thing. Maybe they did, and also had no face to say it.
   
    My deepest darkest secret is what I actually miss about my childhood. It was fun and there is this fact that through that I met my BFF, Meg. When I tell people about this secret it is either their faces become comparable to a folded plastic bag or their expression turn out as if they've heard a joke. Well I wish it was, but it isn't.

    Dancing. I used to adore dancing. NOT ONLY DANCING, but dancing to the hits of Spice Girls, Aqua and B*witched. You say, dancing is not such an uncanny thing, wait till you get to know me better. My friends and I are too much of a fanatic that we formed a dance group (okay I'm faceless now). That dance group was my first barkada, I was 6 then, I was too lonesome not to have a dozen of friends--- that I bond with through dancing. It wasn't a hate-able experience, I actually loved it and miss it a lot of times. BFF and I even thought of enrolling in a dance this summer of 2008. Anyway, I stopped dancing when I was in the second grade when I started to get serious with playing the piano and discovered things that I thought are more fun.

    During my 2nd year in highschool, there was an inter-class dance contest. It was kind of a requirement to join. So I did. We practiced a routine for a three minute song after class for about 5 days. There were like 44 of us in one class and every practice was a memorable bonding. The song that we danced in the tune of, "I Believe" ("Honey" OST) still delights me whenever I hear it. It rekindles my dancing fever and my love for life.

    Also during highschool, I got into a theater group sponsored by international organizations. We performed to raise funds and support campaigns and projects on the development of livelihood on calamity stricken areas. There was this particular play that was a full balance of dancing and singing. It was exhausting, but it was the best play I performed in considering that the people I worked with were like my siblings already.

    Nowadays you'd barely even see me break a move. For some reason, I'm over that stage. I barely even talk about my "dancing" past, because I end up laughing at myself haha! But I have to admit that dancing with a group of people gave me the sense of belongingness. Though nothing is stopping me to dance again, I've chosen it to be merely a childhood memory. If I were given the chance to dance with the people I've danced with, I'd take it, it is what I think that made me attached to Dancing. Unlike true dancers, I loved dancing not because of its artistry or the non-concreteness of expression, but because of the people I meet and the relationships I gain through it.

Due to the grave wanting to fly in Philippine History (subject), I'm actually trying to take a certain topic by heart.

If you are as shallow as everybody else who is, you'd actually justify that Philippine history is full of bloodshed, struggle and fat failure. Focusing on the 333 years that we were under the Spaniards, it is neither funny nor shaming NOR absurd to realize that out of the 27 uprisings (from 1574 to 1843) listed in my Phil. Hist. book, 25 ended up a failure. Metaphorically, if the Philippines under the Spaniards was one semester in college, getting those results would make people think that you have no future at all. No matter how much you studied, no matter how many tears you shed, the only subject you passed was Physical Education--- which isn't treated as a real subject. Similarly, no matter how much effort the revolt leaders placed on trying to define their own independence, only two were lucky enough to fall under considerate Governor Generals--- or at least lucky to have revolted on the year or the months or the weeks or the days when the "Head of everything" was having a pretty smooth sailing day and didn't want to be bothered.

How lucky are those two revolutions?

Too lucky not to have encountered the interference of boot-lickers. Some Filipinos then are far too convinced that they are Spanish folk or the Spaniards are always doing something good. I cannot blame them for their actions, since they are smart enough to realize that the price of their silence is their life. But.. the fact is they are to blame about yet another failure in history.

Too lucky to have a hardcore leader. What makes a person a leader and hardcore? A gerund would summarize everything--- "To inspire". Francisco Maniago, though I would consider his led Kapampangan Revolt half a failure-half a success, created a spark of nationalist point of view in which only a few days after the Kapampangan Revolt another revolt was started by another Kapampangan (Andres Malong). Stupid as I think it is, since matters were already at hand after drawing a fair laden pact between the Spanish and the Kapampangans, I can judge it to be pure love for country. Even if Francisco Maniago was already out of the scene on the second revolt, he allowed himself to be gunned down and executed for the conviction of leading the second revolt even if he didn't. Maniago's most remarkable strength was his knowledge of the concept of Nation, something the revolt leaders before him doesn't have.

Too lucky to have been in the battle field. The Spaniards feared the success Kapampangan Revolt for the main reason that the men they trained to fight we're their enemies. Some of them are able men and were trusted by the Spanish conquistadors to a point that they we're given the title of "Don" to acknowledge their place in the higher social class. And besides, courage without persistence and ability is mediocrity.

Too lucky to have men not kids. Discipline is always a key to success, and the drive to send off THE word to the Spanish pulled it all together. They were lucky to have people mature enough to know how to follow orders and know how not sleep a whole night off. They were lucky to have soldiers who knew how to fight and why to fight.

In spite the many short comings, a.k.a. NOT BEING TOO LUCKY, failure doesn't entirely mean defeat. Through the many mistakes that happened during revolts Filipinos come to realize what kind of nationalistic people they shouldn't be. They shouldn't be restricted of their independence, of their social class, of their literary freedom, of the financial involvement and greatly, of their ownership. They shouldn't be fighting for their own individual rights, their own individual responsibility, their own lives and much more, their own independence. Those realizations led them to assert their right over their country and to unite as a nation.

After the 27 revolts came Andres Bonifacio, a person who redefined Philippine History. He is one of the few who realized all these things and the first person who didn't settle for the bearings of the mind.

To the person who is reading this now,
Our country may not be the heaven on earth, but someday we (all of us) may learn to come to know the real definition of nationalism. Who knows, with all these failures we may emerge as global powers, a statement that appeals to many as the most hilarious joke today. But hey, Jokes are half meant!